Who do I want to be?

On my way to the office this week, I was listening to a podcast and the guest asked “who do you want to be?” “Who do I want to be?” is an interesting question. I have been very focused on “what do I want?” and I have had a hard time defining what I want – for many reasons, one of which is that “what I want” is outside of me. It is about things. Yes, I will agree that that is not the only reason, but when compared to “who do I want to be?”, I feel this question is more about starting within me. It gets into the core of me. It gets me to be me before I can consider answering that question. There is a similar thought that I pondered several times in my life and that was “begin with the end in mind” from Stephen R. Covey. His exercise around “begin with the end in mind” was to imagine your funeral and imagine the various areas of your life. In each of those areas, like husband, father, friend, imagine who is speaking about you and what would they say. In all the times I have thought through this exercise, I do not believe I have ever imagined a person talking about what I got in life. Nobody talked about the house I lived in, or the cars that I drove, they all talked about how I made them feel and how I treated them. Getting back to “who do I want to be?”, the first answer is that I want to be me and...

What is Vulnerability?

What is vulnerability? That is an interesting question that I have been pondering. As I was talking about an issue I was having with a friend of mine. She kept poking me with questions to take me deeper and  the word vulnerability showed up for me. As I looked at vulnerability, the image that I received was that of a Roman Sentry in full battle gear – shield, armor, helmet and spear. Feeling into this image, I could feel vulnerability being a weakness. If I was vulnerable, I could not protect the people that I love. Being in this armor, life feels very restrictive, very tense – I always had to be ready to protect, to fight for the people that I love. In this image, I felt like I had to make sure that I did not fail, because failing would mean that the people that I love would be hurt and how could I let them be hurt. Failing meant that I might loose my job and if I lost my job, how could I provide for, or protect, my family. Fear of failing means I need to play it safe, keep my head down, and not speaking up. Being restricted by the armor, keeps me from asking for help. I believe I have to do it all, and by myself. If somebody asks me to do something, I have to take it on and do it – no matter what, because I am not vulnerable, I can do it all. I am protecting them. Staying away from vulnerability meant that I had to be careful what...

Do you want things?

For a while now, I have been trying to figure out what I want and having a very hard time defining what I want and I think I am finally realizing that I have been conditioned to want “things” and I am starting to become dissatisfied with “things”. Don’t get me wrong, I have had a lot of things in my life and I have manifested a lot of things in my life. For example, at one time, I desired a BMW 7 series car and I manifested one. I loved driving it. The BMW 7 series is a wonderful car to drive, but it felt like a bit much of a car for me. I was always worried about it getting scratched or hit or what people were thinking about plain old simple me in this nice fancy car. I then manifested a BMW 5 series and felt much more comfortable in the 5 series over the 7 series. Yes, I know the 5 series is not as nice at the 7 series and I miss the 7 series, but I feel more comfortable in the 5 series. What is it about what I want that I really want? In thinking about that question, I am starting to realize that what I really want is the experiences, feelings, or memories that I am getting from the wanting. At one time, I had a bigger house on a multi acre property. It was a wonderful house, but what I really loved about that house was the memories that I have from living there, like the parties that we hosted...

What Are You Creating?

Have you ever considered that you are creating your life? And I can hear all of you saying, “But” and I know you are saying it because I am saying it to myself. How can I be creating my life if I have so many problems in my life. I do not have enough money. My job is a pain in the butt. My kids drive me nuts. My car is falling apart. And let’s not even get started about my family. What would it take for your situation to change? And I know some of you will say more money. Why do you not have more money? Well, didn’t you see my list above. Yes, I saw your list and we all have our lists and if you really think about it, they are your excuses and if you are willing to consider your list as excuses, then just maybe you can consider that you have created these excuses as part of the life that you created. I know that I have been thinking about this idea that I have created the life that I have for a while and I am starting to consider three possibilities about why I have created the life that I have. First, I have created this life because I have attracted it to me. If I look at my thoughts about my life, then I can start to see that I have attracted this life to me. Consider your thoughts. Are you thinking about all the money you do not have, or are you thinking about all the ways you can create...

Happy 80th Dad!

Today would have been my father’s 80th Birthday. It is hard to believe that it has been just over six months since he passed away. Since he has past, we have celebrated his life not once, but twice. Gotten the entire family together for only the second time since my mother passed away. Cleaned out his house, sold it, and found new homes for all of his possessions. Went to Yankee Stadium and watched the Red Sox beat the Yankees, which my father would have liked, but my sister did not. And that is just the stuff related to my father’s passing. For me personally, I was initially relieved that my father had passed. His health was declining and I think he was ready to move on from this life when the time came. Several weeks after my father’s passing, I noticed that I had become angry and I really could not put my finger on it until I was talking to a friend about it and she asked me to really lean into the anger. To my surprise, the anger was directed against my father, which made me even more perplexed. Why would I be angry at my father? He was no longer here in the physical form and I felt good that he had moved on and not suffering. Again, my friend asked me to lean in and feel why I was angry. As I leaned into the anger, I received that I had lived my life around pleasing my father and without him here, there was nobody left to please and the anger was about “how...

My Father

Last Thursday, my father past. I know that my father was not doing well and that his time would be soon, but this was pretty quick. He was not doing well, but we still had some hope that he would get better and then he had a bad night and was unresponsive the next morning. It was shortly after that, that he past away. I was sad and lost when I got the news. I was in San Francisco just about to leave for dinner with a friend of mine and just did not know what to do. I eventually went back to my hotel and booked a flight to Myrtle Beach to be with my family. I was not certain what to feel. It was a lot different than when my mother past. When my mother past, I wanted everybody to know as soon as possible. I posted that my mother has past on every social media that I was on, but for my father, I just posted that I was going to say goodbye to my father. Thankfully, my friends understood and sent their wishes and condolences. Some of the messages talked about my father being a “great man” and at first, I wondered who they were talking about? Did they know the man that I knew? He was a pretty stern father, but as I let those comment soak in, I started to remember the good times with my father. Yes, my father was very strict in raising us and I believe he was because he wanted something better for us. He flunked out of college and...