What do I desire?

For the longest time, I have prioritized work and family in my life. Work has been number one and family has been number two. I did not even consider a third item on the list other than wait for one or two to tell me what they need. While putting the priority on work and family, I have limited myself to be what they needed versus allowing myself to truly be me and I knew that I needed and wanted it to shift. To get me to expand, I have been asking myself over and over What do I want? I felt that if I could answer what do I want? that it would help me expand who I am. Except, I have been having a hard time answering that question. I think part of the answer to that question makes me look outside instead of inside of me. When I think of want, I start to think of things, like the newest iPhone (yes, I have it). I have thought for a while that not being able to answer the question what do I want? has been holding me back. If I cannot define what I want, how can I move forward? How could I expand who I am? And then, a friend of mine asked me a different question, What do I desire? and in asking that question, my heart started to open up. I started to feel inside of me what I desired instead of outside with what I wanted. It was an interesting shift in looking at where I desired to take my life instead...

Dress for Your Day

We have a new policy at the office on what you can wear to work. It is called Dress for Your Day, which means you can where whatever you want as long as it is appropriate for your day. For example, if you are just in the office and just working with your co-workers, you can dress casual. If you have a meeting with a customer whether it is in the office or at their site, you need dress in business attire. The previous policy was Monday through Thursday, you needeed to wear business attire and only on Friday could you where casual attire. My normal attire whether I was in the office or on customer location was to where a suit Monday through Thursday. So, last night, as I was getting my clothes together for the next business day, I decided that I was going to dress casual and take advantage of the new policy. I was going to wear a company branded golf shirt and jeans on a Wednesday. I wanted to take advantage of Dress for Your Day. I did not have any customer facing meetings planned. So, I could be casual and this all felt great until I was getting ready to jump in the shower on Wednesday morning. I looked at the clothes that I laid out and I thought, What the heck are you doing? It is a business day! You should be wearing business attire to go into the office! Go and get a suit to wear today! It was an interesting thought that shot fear through my body and I almost...

Caring What People Think

I consider myself a caring person. I care how people are doing. I care about what is going on in their life. I try to remember their birthdays. I try and reach out when there is an important event in their life. I try and keep in contact with them over the years. I know that I have many special relationships, because of the caring that I have for people. Where I think that this breaks down is when I care about what people think of me. In some of those cases, instead of saying what the person needs to hear, or what I believe, I say what I think they want to hear. Instead of doing what I think is right, I do what I think they want me to do. In both cases, I am limiting who I am as a person by trying to be what I think they want me to be. I have the biggest problem with this with people of power, like my boss. Sometimes, I sit in meetings with these people and instead of being with the energy and allowing me to answer from me, I am more concerned with saying what I think these people want to hear. To be in alignment with them, instead of saying something that might disappoint them. Though I consider that by doing this, I am caring, but in reality I am only caring about me. Afraid of being rejected. Wanting their acceptance. If I am not being true to myself, does it really matter if I have their acceptance or not? If I am trying...

The Desire to Please

I was recently on a phone call with my manager and a client about the work I had recently done for the client. It was part of a new program that we are developing, and I am leading to make our client experience better. The client had said they loved me and my manager wanted to talk to them for more feedback on how we were doing in the delivery of the service we are providing to the client. I originally expected just the main contact person to be on the call and she invited her whole team. She started the call saying how pleased she was with the deployment and specifically pointed out how please she was with the work I had done. On the side, my manager messaged me saying, They really do love you. I would say that he was pleased with the work I had done with the client. It was a nice way to finish the day. As the evening went on, I started to think about next week and realized that I was going to see another client to do the same type of work and I almost had a panic attack around What if this customer does not love me? Heck, I have set such a high standard with the first customer, what if it does not go as well? I had to sit with that for a few moments and wonder where it came from and then I realized that I wanted to please my manager. It had felt good to please my manager that I did not want to let...

Critical Voice

I was recently listening to The Tapping Solution to Create Lasting Change by Jessica Ortner and she was talking about silencing the critical voice in our heads. The voice that keeps telling you you are too old, you are too fat, you are not smart enough, just to name a few things. As I was listening to her talk about the critical voice, I was wondering what my critical voice has told me and other than you are too old. I am not certain that my critical voice has held me back like Jessica was explaining. Where I think my critical voice has held me back is to make sure I have conformed with what I believe society wants to see from me. In reality, it is how I have limited myself and nothing to do with society. My critical voice has been telling me follow the chain of command, do not rock the boat, you should take this "management" job, because that is what you should do, you need to wait for guidance from above on what you are supposed to be doing, you should be married and have a family. In my case, the critical voice is not always wrong. Being married and having a family has brought a lot of joy to me. My critical voice is there to keep me safe as it does not like change. In my case, my belief is that rocking the boat might cause me to lose my job, which would make me not safe. My critical voice in keeping me safe has probably kept me from really enjoying life...