One year ago today, December 3, 2010, my mother past away. Last night, I started writing a blog post in her memory. The blog post went on about her last month of her life leading up until she past away. I thought is was beautifully written, and I felt it told the story of her last month very well, but I could not come up with an ending for the post. Ending it with her death just did not seem like the right place to end it. Nothing seemed to fit. So, I put it down and went for my morning walk.
During my walk, I began to wonder a few things. One of the things was “have I been honouring my mother?” When I thought about “honouring” my mother, that felt like I needed to do something she did for others and as I felt into that, it did not feel right. I am not my mother and I do not think that she would want me to pretent to be her, or like her, especially just to remember her. I had to take a moment and think, “What would she want me to do?” and I got that she would want me to be the best me I can be.
As I continued to walk, I asked myself, “am I the best me I can be?” and, of course, I got “no!” and that made me feel really sad, because I know that I could do better, but as I walked, I felt into not being my best and then I felt a warmth, a love surround me, a that it is ok, you are trying, and I started to feel better. While walking, I started to get many ideas on ways that I could improve in my life and situations. I felt myself standing taller as I continued on my way.
So, I will “honour” my mother, not by being like her, but being what she saw I was to be. I know I will stumble and fall at times, but I will get up and be gentle with myself on the journey. My mother loved me for me as she loved everybody around her. I will be my best and know that she would have it no other way. I love you, Mom and I miss you!